


Nightmare

by Syto



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-24
Updated: 2016-09-24
Packaged: 2018-08-17 00:11:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8123011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Syto/pseuds/Syto
Summary: Taking place well after the end of Carry On, Simon Snow continues to have nightmares about regaining his magic. He has one on a night when Baz is there.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So I just finished reading Carry On, and am yet to read any fanfiction for it. I'm sure this idea has already been used many times, but it's something I really wanted to write and I hope you enjoy it.

  It was the first time I had slept with Simon overnight. Not that I hadn't wanted to before; Simon was like a magnet, always drawing me closer. But I was scared. I was scared that if i were that close to him, holding him while he slept, that I wouldn't be able to help biting him. And it isn't that I don't want Simon to be a vampire or anything. The thought of living the rest of my possibly immortal life with Simon Snow is the best thing I can imagine at this point in my life and something I definitely don't deserve. The thing is, I only want that if he wants that. I don't want to accidentally turn him. I want him to choose this. I want him to choose me, like I choose him.  
  Snow still sleeps like a child, his legs drawn up to his chest and his face bent forward as if he were hiding it. His wings and tail had finally disappeared, and he looked like a normal boy again, mind you still a devilishly handsome boy. This meant that when we lay together, I pressed my chest against his back and kept one arm beneath his head, and the other slung across his waist. That's how I noticed when his breathing started to speed up. It was what woke me from my light slumber (it's hard to get into a very deep sleep when the most delicious thing you've ever smelled is pressed against your nose). A shudder ran through him then, and he made the slightest of noises in the back of his throat, a mix between a whimper and a growl. I sat up a bit then, making sure not to move the arm that was beneath him too much. Being able to see relatively well in the dark, I could make out his face with only the aid of a dim streetlamp outside the window.  
   Simon's eyes were still closed, but his brow was furrowed and he was gritting his teeth. I placed the lightest of kisses against the mole on his neck, and I swear I saw him relax a bit in that moment, but as soon as I removed my lips the look reappeared on his face and he made another small sound. I wasn't sure if I should wake him or let him sleep through it. His hands were clenched into fists and I knew he was having nightmare. I lowered myself back down (my arm was starting to go numb) but continued to watch him. It reminded me of all those years back at Watford, when I'd watch him sleep and think that that was as close as I'd ever get. Except now I was in bed with him.  
  I stayed that way for a while, just listening to the shallow inhales and exhales of the boy laying next to me. I don't know how much time passed but I had almost been lulled back into unconsciousness when he bolted up right, panting and gasping for breath. He leaned forward, elbows on his knees as he held his head in his hands. I sat up then, too, wrapping my arms around him and pulling his body back against mine.   
   "Shh," I breathed into his ear as he panted and shook. I smoothed a hand over his hair, petting it in what I thought would be a soothing way. I might have taken my wand out spelled him to peace if I could remember where I had placed it before bed. Not that I would have gotten out of bed or left him to retrieve it, though. He shifted his body so that he could face me better, but not so much that it forced my arms to fall from around him.  
  "I'm sorry," he mumbled, not meeting my eye (it's not as though he could see me anyway). I let out a quiet laugh, which seemed to slightly surprise him.   
  "What are you apologizing for?" I asked, pressing my lips to the top of his head. I noticed that my breath stirred the fine tendrils of golden hair there, even if the color wasn't apparent to me in the blackness of the room.  
  He sighed, feeling for my hand in the blankets. He couldn't see, and ended up feeling a lot of places he most definitely did not intend to at the moment, so I reached out and took his hand in mine. He didn't respond to that, but I think he felt grateful. "It was just a stupid nightmare," he said rubbing patterns into my palm with his thumb. "I'm sorry for waking you." And that was just like Simon, lately. Always thinking he was a burden to Penny and me. Actually, that's just like Simon always has been, thinking everything revolved around him. Well, technically, he was right this time. But he has no proof that I wasn't already awake so that doesn't count.  
   I bet if I told Snow he's the reason the Earth spins he'd believe me. After all, he did when I said vampires don't show up in mirrors, the dolt.  
   For obvious reasons, I did not voice these musing aloud to him. "What was your nightmare about?" I whispered instead. He was using both his hands to hold mine now; one laced its fingers between my own while the other cradled them both.  
   "My magic was back." He spoke so softly his voice was barely audible. "And everyone was in danger. I- I don't remember what we were fighting but I know Penny was in trouble. And Agatha. And you-" His voice broke then, and when I pulled my head back to look at him I could see a tear making a trail down his face. He took a pause, and I ran a hand up and down his back until he was ready to continue. "And I went off." He squeezed my hand. I squeezed back. "But I couldn't control it. At all. I couldn't shield any of you, I couldn't save you, and I-" he took in a shuddering breath and slumped against me, pressing his face into the crook of my neck. "I woke up," he murmured, lips to my skin.  
   We stayed silent for some moments after that. I didn't know what to say for once, and he didn't seem like he wanted to share anything else about the subject. But it wasn't awkward. We stayed in that position, me stroking his back while he rested his head on my shoulder. His breaths had slowed and evened, and he was so still, that I would have thought he was asleep if not for the light drag of his eyelashes against my neck when he blinked. I didn't get why he didn't just close them; it's not like he could see anyway, but I guess he was trying not to fall asleep.  
   Imagining he was as tired as I was, I decided to ask the question that had been plaguing my mind for the past few minutes. "Do you get these nightmares often, or just this time?" He didn't say anything, but after a few seconds I felt him nod against me. I sighed. "Why didn't you tell me?" This felt like the sort of thing you'd bring up. It felt like something you would tell your boyfriend, unless you didn't trust him. Or love him. Maybe Simon didn't feel the same way I did, he did just realize he's gay, after all. Maybe this meant more to me than it ever did for him.  
    I banish the thought. After all that we had been through, all that was said and done, as far as we'd gone together, how could I doubt the bond that was shared between us? Yes, I'd thought I was in love with him for years before now. And I was. I loved him as much as I could under the circumstances. But what I felt now was much deeper than that; it would kill me to learn of a world in which Simon Snow does not exist. I've never told him that out loud, and I'm not sure I will. At least until we exchange our vows. Not that we're getting married anytime soon; I should stop that thought before it manifests itself into anything more. The point is, my feelings for him go deep. And from what I've heard from him, he feels the same as I do (Snow is much more open and gushy with these things than I am. It's almost embarrassing, to tell the truth).  
   He lifts his head and sits up, untangling his hands from mine. And he can't see in this darkness, but I swear when he looks at me he's staring straight into my eyes. "Because..." he started, clearing his throat. "Because I've lost my magic. It's gone, and it's never coming back, and now I'm just a Normal. But you're a magician. You and Penny both are." He looks down for a moment, and I worried that he'd lost his nerve and would stop talking, but he brought his gaze up to mine again. There were tears building in his eyes once more. I'll never stop making this kid cry, I guess, even if I'm not trying to anymore. "And I know, obviously, that Normals are seen as less than magicians. And I know that you're probably getting the brunt of everything, what with dating a Normal and a boy." He sniffled. "I can't imagine the toll I've taken on both of your and Penny's social standing in the World of Mages." His gaze had lowered a bit, and leveled with my chin, but I couldn't tell if he thought he was looking at my eyes or not. I couldn't help but snort at the last thing he had said. Who cares about social standing when you can have Simon Snow, _the_ Simon Snow all for yourself to love and kiss and touch. I wouldn't give him up even to be on the very top rung of the social ladder (which is coincidentally where I'd be if he had never come into my life). He furrowed his brow; he didn't see what I had found amusing. Instead of trying to understand, he kept going, which is a very Snow-like choice. "And with that, not to mention the multiple times where I've put your lives in mortal danger, I shouldn't burden you with my psychological problems, too. Especially not silly nightmares." He whispered, bringing his face close to mine.  
   I knew he had felt guilty, but I guess I didn't know the full extent of it. His curls had fallen in front of his face, and I pushed them aside before planting a palm on each side of his face and pressing my forehead into his. Our eyelashes touched. "Simon, I need you to understand something," I said quietly, "your nightmares are not silly. Nothing that bothers you is silly to me. Okay?" I felt him blink. I took that as confirmation. "I want you to share your problems with me. I want to help you. You have a heavy cross to bear, but I want to carry it with you. Because I love you.  And I want you to be happy. I miss happy Simon, even if happy Simon kind of hated me."  
   He was silent for a moment, then pressed a soft kiss on my mouth. "You know, I think that's the first time you've actually said that to me." He murmured the words against my lips.  
   "The first time I said what?" I questioned, going in for another kiss and moving one of my hands to twist in his hair, as his was in mine.  
   He pulled back just enough to answer, although our breath still mingled and our lips still made contact when he spoke. "The first time you've said 'I love you' to me. I mean you've implied it, and said things like it before, but I can't remember you ever saying the actual words." I let out a breathy laugh. "I haven't, huh? Well let me fix that. It seems like I have to make up for all the missed chances now." I cleared my throat, and he giggled, though it was raspy from crying.  
   "Simon Snow, I love you. I love you, even if you are a moron. Even if you are the worst chosen one who's ever been chosen. Even if you hate me with all your heart, I love you with all of mine. I've been in love with you from the day we met, and I'll be in love with you long after we are both dead and gone. There is absolutely nothing you could do that would ever change my mind." The slightest of morning lights had filtered into the room by now, and I gave him a stern look as I said this because I'm sure he can see me now, if only barely. Our foreheads are still together, so I can only see his eyes. They have filled with fresh tears that spill over onto his cheeks, but I don't think he's sad anymore. I can feel myself blushing, I'm not used to sharing my true feelings like that and it was a lot, but I doubt the pigment is visible. "God, Baz..." he says, shaking his head but not moving away from me. "Baz, I love you, too. You know that right? You're just.... so much more than I deserve, than I could wish for. I just, I love you, Baz."  
   And we're both exhausted, and tears have fallen from both our eyes now, and we've both run out of words we needed to say. But our mouths still meet. They still battle, as they always do because neither of us are willing to surrender to the other, even if we're both half asleep anyway. I'm certain that there is not a single person who I have hated more in a single moment than I have Simon Snow in the past. And I'm certain that there is not a single person who I have loved or will love more than I love Simon Snow right now.


End file.
